Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome

Are you a “nice guy”?

Do you feel uncomfortable with conflict and want nothing more than to try and make everyone around you happy? Do you struggle to have close male friendships? Do most of your decisions come from trying to find validation from women? If you answered yes to most of these, I bet you feel that your life is operating at 70-80% of what deep down you think it could be. I imagine if I asked you what do you do in life that truly LIGHTS you UP where you’re having belly laughs and fun, you wouldn’t know what to say. Or it would be something like, “Uhhh, going out to dinner with friends, watching sports, working out, playing video games, etc.”

If you’re a male who grew up in the USA and are honest with yourself then the above most likely resonates with you ; that is, unless you had and have some stellar mature men in your life growing up (consider yourself lucky). 

It certainly resonated with me for a lot of my life and if you feel similar please keep reading as you mostly likely suffer from what is known as the “Nice Guy Syndrome.”

I bet it’s difficult for you when people ask you, “ _____, what do YOU want to do?” Where do YOU want to go” what do YOU want for dinner? Etc. You won't want to let them down, or god forbid, say what you wanted and have them say it was different from their pick. You don’t get to have what you want because, in your mind, A “good man” is full of sacrifice and takes the fall so that others around him can get what they want? 

Let me ask you: how is that working out for you? How do you feel about your life and those time? Do you think maybe you take on this role because it’s easier than actually communicating what you want, listening to the other person, and then making a compromise?

Is it possible for everyone to win?

Of course, it fucking is! You just need to get out of your own way.

If I was to look you in the eye and ask you the question: Who is your BEST guy friend and why?

How would you feel? Take a moment. Think about it. It isn’t easy. You might have Jonny from college who is “your boy,” but when was the last time you had a real heart to heart conversation with him? Back in college, when you were drunk? What kind of friendship is that?

Now ask yourself this:

Who is your best friend that is a female, and why?

If you’re like most Nice Guys, this is a lot easier to answer because you have understood level 1 to the game to having a good friendship. Vulnerability. Nice Guys understand that if they are vulnerable to women, they like that and therefore like and validate them. So guess what? They spend time being vulnerable to women and most likely have closer relationships with women.

The issue here is that the Nice guy is addicted to female validation and is constantly asking and seeking approval from them. 

As a recovering Nice Guy myself, I was the KING of this. Almost everything I did was aimed around trying to make women think I was cool, like me, want to sleep with me, or think highly of me. I put down all of my own needs, wants and desires to try and make the women in my life happy. I hid behind that guise for a long time before I realized what I was doing.

How do you destroy the “nice guy” inside of you? 

1. You need to acknowledge he is there. It’s a prevalent syndrome in society because the Nice guy is created from not being exposed to MATURE men, usually your father, brother, teachers, teammates, etc. I think it’s pretty safe to say that a Mature Man is rare in American society today. So what happens is we get some time of hurt from men in our life growing up and immediately turn to the “safer” sex women who are naturally going to nurture and coddle us (our mothers). The nice guy is born.

2. DECIDE you want to make a change

Nice guys are notoriously shitty at making decisions. Their people-pleasing brain takes over, and they get stifled with what they “should” do. Once they practice making decisions for what THEY want out of life, then they start to stand up for themselves and destroy the NICE GUY inside of them. Once the change has been decided, it’s time for number 3.

3. You need to start living YOUR life on YOUR terms. 

Now, this doesn’t mean you get to walk around the world being a selfish prick, but it means that you need to develop the confidence and capacity to stick up for yourself and what you believe in. 

4. Surround yourself with other men who are doing this work and have killed or are currently destroying their own Nice guy. 

These types of men are supportive, inspiring, open, and most importantly, will hold a space for you, actually, to be honest in. Not that honest fluff, B.S., you know you're supposed to say but really help you dig into the deeper layers so you can make a true change! Why? Because they have been there before and know what it takes to destroy the nice guy and turn into a mature man.

Stop viewing yourself as the hero because you can “take it all.” In reality, you’re an emotional doormat for anyone who challenges you in your life. 

It’s time to step into your own power and reclaim yourself as a man. Your partner, friends, business, family, and soul, will thank you.

If you’re ready to own your Nice Guy tendency and admit that you don’t know how to kill it on your own and that you want help. Please click here to read about coaching with me.

It’s not cheap, but it is highly effective and one of the best investments you can ever make for yourself. 

Read about other men who have gone through coaching here: