The Confidence Equation

How to build more confidence.

What IS confidence?

According to Oxford dictionary:

“the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.”

“the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.”

I like to use this equation to build more confidence in myself:

Confidence is when My words = My actions.

Let’s break this down.

The Words.

Internal and External.

Internal Words.

These words are your internal dialogue, how you speak with yourself. The internal words are harder to quantify because they are more challenging to measure. They can be dangerous as well if you’re not mindful. They can quite quickly form together to weave a narrative based on your fears, not your truth.

How to hande the word part of the equation:

The easiest way to get a handle on our words is by focusing on an intention of truth.

Ideally, all the words you think or speak aim to discover more truth about yourself and what you desire.

You might believe the goal is only to speak and think about our true beliefs and desires. However, that is not realistic because we are human beings with a range of emotions and thoughts. It’s not healthy to suppress them, however, there are appropriate times and places to “work through” them.

How do you do that?

Time and place: Find a time and place to work on your reflective practice of truth

Method: Meditation, journaling, breathwork, and stillness are a few I like.

Discover truth: Notice what themes continue to arise and feel authentic to you.

Once you have an idea about your truth, the next step is to write it down.

Then move towards the second phase of Words.

External Words

These words are more potent than those in your head because they manifest in the real world, meaning you and others can listen to them.

Speak the truth you wrote down out loud and check in with how it sounds to hear yourself say it.

*Quick tip on hearing the truth

We’re all wired to hear the truth because we need to figure out who to trust for our safety at a deep and root level.

However, over time if we’re not mindful of this and get too comfortable, then it becomes more difficult to decipher truth from lies, and we find ourselves easily swayed by people (insert any political tangent you want here)

How to test your inner truth ear:

Say something out loud with conviction that you KNOW is true. For example, I love my dog/ child/ sports team etc.

Check-in with how that felt. Often you will get subtle signs.

Now say something with conviction that you know is NOT true. Example: I HATE my family/ friends/ dog/ favorite sports team etc.

Check-in with how that felt.

You will notice a difference in how you felt between the two examples of love and hate, which shows you that you can check in with how it feels to hear yourself say the truth out loud. *Often, all you need is to be more mindful of it.

*This practice can feel weird/ funky at first. Especially if you have a long history of not expressing your truth. (P.S. this is another rabbit hole that’s great to jump down)

However, like all things, the more you practice, the easier it will become.

So now you can decipher your internal thoughts into external truth words.

Now comes the “easy” part. I put easy in quotations because it’s easy in theory but can be more challenging in practice:

Take. Action. On. Your. Truth.

It can be a manageable action, but the more action you take, the more confidence you will build.

Here is the catch: If you know your truth and continue to take action against it, you’re essentially lying to yourself.

What do you do with people who lie to you? You don’t tell them the truth anymore because you don’t trust them.

Our minds work the same way. If you have been receiving signals of truth for a long time and are choosing to ignore them, it can become more challenging to hear the signals. This leaves you feeling cloudy, lost, unsure of yourself, and frustrated, and you don't know why.

*if that's you, please reach out for coaching. I would love to help you.

The word that best describes this is integrity. To put it simply:

You gain integrity when your thoughts and words align with your action.

The more integrity you acquire, the more confident you will become.

*Commonly, folks have integrity at work where the guidelines and objectives are clear, and you receive directed feedback. Often people are much more confident at work for this reason but might struggle at home, in a partnership, and personally.

In the lyrics of the rap song “Not Afraid”, Eminem tells us the confident equation:

“When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn. What you think, I'm doing this for me…”

Please reach out if you want support building your personal integrity and confidence.